Post-Friendship

I never really gave an update after the run-in with M, although most of my handful of readers are people I'm in regular contact with anyway, but for those of you who maybe wondered how The Talk went, let me say this in summation: It took 5 hours, I cried so much I had a headache for days, and although he admits he still has the same feelings for me, misses me, and recognizes his life was better with me, he still can't bring himself to marry me. So there is no getting back togetherness in our future.

A hard but necessary talk, what that conversation did (besides give me the chance to thoroughly berate him for walking out on me without so much as a conversation) was open the doors to communication. It's meant that I no longer have to be anxious over running into him at the office, and it's meant that we have gradually gotten back to a friendly place.

Of course, friends is sort of a tricky spot to be in. And as one of my friends put it, "I just don't see how this is going to work. With you feeling the way you feel about each other and now being on good terms and having positive interactions, how can you guys ever move on?" Moving on has, I confess, not even been on my radar. Not because I'm holding out for M, but because healing takes a long time. Not to mention, love isn't exactly something that just goes away. But that neither of us have moved on is perhaps part of the problem. In that we have no one else to think about.

I've only in the past couple of weeks began to feel ready to move on, or to at least try meeting someone, but always in the back of my mind there is M. Who told me last month that his sister is considering naming her baby Tali; who competed with me on Oscar night, his ballot beating mine by 3; who stopped by my desk the other day to comment on my youngest nephew turning 1 and ask if I had been able to be out west for the celebration. So yes, we are friends. Which begs the question of if it's even possible for us to be friends. Or a good idea. I'm not sure, but if choosing between this and all those months of silence, I choose this.
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