The Berilium Sphere

I spent one morning this week getting a UGI SBFT test. It basically consists of drinking a whole bunch of barium and then getting an x-ray taken every fifteen minutes for the next four hours. What's that, you ask? Barium? As in the element on the periodic table barium? Yes, that's the one. Sitting in the x-ray room and feeling somewhat drafty thanks to the gaping hole exposing my entire back, the technician began explaining what was about to happen. Fully expecting to hear about the barium, or the x-rays, or maybe where I could find some cookies, I was confused when what came out of her mouth was some gibberish about crystals. How the doctor was going to give me some crystals to swallow, and even though "it's going to be hard to keep them down, it's really important that you do." Wait a second. "They're going to make me want to throw up?" This was a game-changer for me. It's one thing to drink something disgusting. It's an entirely different thing to drink something disgusting when you've just swallowed crystals that literally make you want to throw up.

When the doctor came in and positioned me next to the x-ray table and handed me the cup of crystals, it still wasn't entirely clear to me what was expected. I looked at the doctor. I looked down at the crystals. And I really almost told the doctor right there and then that only an idiot would dry-swallow a cup full of crystals, let alone vomit-inducing ones. But he wasn't messing around. So I poured as many crystals in my mouth as I could fit. He immediately handed me a tall glass of barium (laced with more crystals) and told me to drink it. He began taking x-rays as soon as I started swallowing, and all I was really thinking was that I was surely going to hurl at any moment. The barium was thick and disgusting, and my stomach was a time bomb anyway with those crystals. I'm sure the doctor wanted to say something about how long it was taking me to drink the glass. Because I was totally stalling. I thought I may as well try my luck, play the small person card, because they probably measure these glasses for the average person...and I am smaller than the average person. "Do I have to drink all of it?" Yes, I did. And I had to drink a second glass about five minutes later.

Two quick side notes. I would remind those of you familiar with Curious George Goes to the Hospital that George drinks a cup of barium prior to his x-ray. I don't know why, but it made me smile to remember this book when a friend brought it to my attention. Can't you remember the puzzle piece stuck there in his stomach? And one more thing. My family enjoys the movie Galaxy Quest, and their spaceship is powered by what's called a berilium sphere. Because of it's phonetic likeness to the word barium, I'll have you know that in the version of this story I told my sister, I had to refer to barium as berilium. Which is why I like my family so much. We are funny. Crystals are not.