A Tender New Year. Literally.

I'm currently black and blue and sore all over. No, I wasn't attacked by Buckeye fans for my Ducks decal - although that could potentially still happen. I actually had my latest and greatest adventure at the Cleveland Clinic: an EMG. Now, this was my fourth of these lovely tests, so it ain't my first rodeo. But this was by far the worst one yet. Let me give you the general layout of how these tests work.

The first part involves hooking the patient up to electrical nodes and shocking the crap out of you (figuratively). The shocking is quite painful, and makes a fool out of you, because even though you know each shock is coming, it is so startling that you can't help but gasp with each one. The second part involves inserting needles into the patient's muscles (foot, leg, hand, arm, hip, groin, back, shoulder, etc.). And it's not just that the needles are inserted, it's that the doctor also needs each muscle to be moved while the needle is in. In case you wonder how much it hurts to have a needle in a muscle while it's in use, let me assure you, there are simply no words.

The problem with this EMG was that rather than simply insert the needle and move it around a little, this neurologist had the stellar and super comfortable technique of inserting the needle and then jabbing the muscle repeatedly. Which is probably why in addition to the usual red, needle pricks I end up with, I also have bruises everywhere. By the end of the whole thing (this test takes hours), I felt a little like I had given birth. My apologies to anyone who has ever given birth for this horribly inaccurate analogy, but after hours of frequent bouts of pain while laying on my back wearing next to nothing, I was super hot and covered in sweat. And kind of wanted a baby to take home for my troubles. Oh well. They did find something on the test, so here's hoping for a diagnosis in 2010.

On a more cheery, less feisty note (just for you, R), Happy New Year!